Like most addictions, Delicious Pain ‘hurts so good’ we have trouble leaving it.
Delicious Pain is our souls call into dissolving the attachments that block our authentic, empowered fulfillment. It is often a fast track to healing our core wounds if we are willing.
That’s what we call it…this friend and I who share a similar earth school experience of learning through the dysfunction of intimate partnerships. We have found ourselves inhabiting Delicious Pain on our way to Delicious Wholeness. We are on a journey. We are in school. I believe I just took my final exam. I am waiting for my grade. My friend is sitting at her desk staring her final exam which lies face down in front of her. I know many of you have already graduated and are holding space for those of us in school. Thank you. If you are like me, you might spend a long, long time staring at your exam before you are ready to take it.
This Delicious Pain experience carries the wounds we are healing. As souls, like many of you, my friend and I are healing our deep core wounds through the mirror of experiencing deep soul love and painful attachment with partners who are perfect triggers for our deepest unhealed wounds. What brilliant souls we are to face ourselves with these unhealed places in order to eventually be an inner energetic match to what we have been evolving towards, perhaps for lifetimes…conscious, wholehearted, joyful, EASY partnerships that add to our happiness as we serve the world. I must add how unattainable having this partnership has felt to both of us…until recently.
I imagine many of you can relate to this. I know you can. So many of you have shared your secret pain with me as I have shared mine with you. It is from this place of honor to us all that I share the lessons of my journey with you. We all have a secret pain or two in some area of life. Where secret pain exists, so does radical grace.
This current evolutionary season is one that is reflecting back to us all that is left unhealed and hidden within us with renewed intensity. Our lack of alignment with who were really are and what we really want is being throw in our faces like a pie being hurled at us at a carnival. Like a pie in the face, this intensity is just not possible to ignore. Whatever has been blocking us from manifesting our unique paths to fulfillment is literally ‘in our face’. Our mirrors are purposefully exponentially intense right now for our own good. This has been going on for a while now.
Experiencing more discomfort is or will eventually produce it’s desired effect of turning our faces towards Trust. We may feel more miserable for a season until we shift to turning more deeply towards the essence of the Wordless Inner Home within us in the midst of this intensity. For many of us in our place of trials, our instincts are stronger now to to turn towards and into the Restful Stillness of our own Being-ness…that space of Peace, Presence and Grace that exists between thoughts, between heartbeats, in nature, in silence, or resting in the arms, chest, or Presence of our safe places. It is in this place of Presence that we find nourishment and our co-creative power finds it’s aligned expression.
Our souls design experiences to lead us to reach in deeper and deeper ways through unhealed parts of ourselves into this connected Presence within us. We often have to get to that space by first experiencing more of what we hoped had already healed. We notice old addictions surface with a new intensity and patterns of distraction clamor to save us from the unrest of our unconscious parts being made conscious. It’s messy. We want to numb ourselves in our familiar ways yet we long to do it differently. This time something IS different. Somehow we know this healing season feels different. This time as we enter our secret places, our underworlds, we dare bravely to experiences what we have long felt imprisoned by. This time we find access to a new space of connectedness that had previously eluded us on past journeys through these same distasteful spaces.
Don’t even tell me you don’t know what I am talking about. The shit has hit the fan. The pie has hit our faces.
We are learning to trust. We are daring to open to the searing purification of the process. We are finding our Way. It’s Time. It is different this time.
The pulse of Loving Resources is truly accessible to us now so It is taking no prisoners until it has it’s way with us. The universe is making ‘tough’ love to us. Our souls are DEADLY serious about setting up our experiences to face us with the choice of opening our hearts rather then closing, softening rather then hardening. Some of us are literally or metaphorically dying in order to live. Whatever experiences we need to have to facilitate our personal transformation are being handcrafted by our souls for us. Our fulfillment is at stake. Our souls are in the “Tough-Kick-Ass-Warrior-Love” mode to create the unquestionable opportunity for us to find our way this time. We can come quietly, peaceably and easily into our bliss or… we can endure the intense suffering while All-We-Long-For waits with knowing confidence for us to collapse into It’s lap….eventually.
Here is the miraculous news in the midst of these wave of crapola. Energetic resources of a gigantic proportions are available to us now. Shifting is easier then it has ever been. Hence, like a truly benevolent parent that knows what is on the other side of the ‘spanking’, we are being faced with our deepest remaining unconscious blocks because it is, in fact, TIME to heal completely. It’s time to experience what many of us have been barely able to hope for because of our long standing ancient and current lifetime pattern blocks that we have worked and worked on. In the past, we have often felt persistent disappointment for our efforts. Our hearts have become so weary. Try again? Really?
How many times have we faced into our healing winds only to find incomplete healing? Such disappointment. Such heartache. Such despair. Such pain. Such hopelessness. Such self-loathing. Why try again? How do we find the courage? The hope? Because Completion is possible now. It’s TIME to complete our healing in ways that are easier then they have ever been. Which is why the shit has hit the fan in new and deeper ways. Access to our Wholeness is effortless now …once we risk reopening the old wounds and travel through the discomfort into the new and deeper levels of trust available to us.
Cowboy up comrades! Hop on your healing horses! It’s time to ride! This time, though it will be messy and we may travel through our hidden realms of dense pain, we will end up in Nirvana…Heaven on earth… Heart Wholeness…that inner Landscape that depends on nothing changing other than us. We will soften and lean into the healing wind, knowing we can handle what we never could before. The lap of comfort, peace and stillness is more real then ever. As soon as we lean in, we will feel it alongside the discomfort.
So, back to the healing of my core wounds as an example of what I am talking about.
If being in a previous intimate relationship with me had an application process, the boxes my suitors would check off would be as follows:
-Unavailable in a variety of forms…emotional and otherwise. Check. Matched my own unavailability to myself.
-Deeply wounded. Check. Matched my own deep wounding.
-Somewhat narcissistic. Check. Matched my co-dependence.
-Hostile or abusive in some way. Check. Matched my self-loathing and inability to cherish myself.
My crazy soul just wants to heal. Period. So, she picked perfect healing partners. Sound familiar? Here’s my souls inner dialogue….”This intimate partner applicant is perfect for me to fall in love with! How fucking perfect! Now I can access my deepest wounds through the mirror of this relationship and practically kill myself in the process. Fan-fucking-tastic. (If swearing offends you, I know a great coach who can help 🙂
My souls plan of course is to reveal the hidden places within me that are now ready to heal. She wants to heal the part of me that still ‘needs’ to attach to abusive, unavailable energy in myself by seeing it in my relationships. Once that is healed…she (my soul) says we are golden 🙂
I have lived in the essence of delicious pain so long it terrifying to be experiencing my own wholeness…crazy but true. I am, however, getting used to it exceedingly quickly! The terror of healing into wholeness is now more of an adventure that nourishes me then a triggering into the same pit of despair, anxiety, hopelessness and self-loathing that I have long occupied. This new wholeness is finally being reflected in my choices.
Halle-frickin-lu-jah. It’s about time!
Like all of us, I have come by my deep core wounds honestly. I signed up for a soul contract that was loaded with dysfunction and misalignment. As I have healed my tangled mess, I have gained an authentic place from which to speak to those who face the same healing challenges. The unconscious patterns that I have lived with have been so tangled and so massive that I felt hopeless to heal them all. The heartbreaks have been so massive for me, with my particular inner wiring, that I have been derailed by them over and over.
Like many of you, I have longed for healing all my life. I have longed to be able to honor commitments to myself, longed to treat myself with loving-kindness, longed to not keep cutting myself off from the love that exists all around me. I have longed to be a safe resting place for all those who have lost hope, longed to partner with myself in gentle-kindness, longed to be nourished enough in my own Being-ness to express my gifts generously to the world without feeling depleted. I have longed to share happiness with a soul partner and trail mate on this life journey, longed to be a match to the deep, family connections I have always longed for but seemed like a fish-out-of-water in.
So friends, don’t give up. I am feeling the shift and am seeing it all around me in those who long for wholeness. If I can feel the wave of Love and Presence and peace in the midst of the tangled mess of my life and insanity, then you can too. Life circumstances don’t have to change. We are just a soft breath away from what is already all around us waiting to seep into our cells and hearts.
Join me in this journey through the mess into Delicious Unfathomable Peace.
We are so, so, so loved.
We are loved with a Warrior’s Love that won’t rest until the hardness of all we have been through is dissolved and we are stupidly happy with complete discombobulated bliss.
So unfurl your rusty tentative wings and let the winds of effortless healing carry you Home.
Take my hand. Come fly with me. It’s time.