I dance.

I dance to heal.

I dance to reach for the life that is fighting to return to me through the movement of my body.  I enter the space of darkness within me that has been waiting to be honored within my cells and bones having been trapped there in terrified silence.  I ride the flow of raw primal courage-love that penetrates the vast damp cold sticky spaces of annihilation within me.

I dance to heal myself.

I dance to heal my repression.  I dance to find freedom from the ways others have repressed me.  I dance to find freedom from the ways I have repressed myself.

I dance my edges.

I dance my depths.

I dance to free myself from my obsession with focusing on trying to control what other people think of me.  I dance for the life giving sensation of feeling the colors of who I am within my own body.   I dance rebellion against my own mind prison.

I dance the desperate angry and dark-feeling dance of the screams that have been delayed for lifetimes.  I dance for the screams that I have held within my body in this lifetime.  I dance my screams.  I dance the “NO!!!!!!!!” that burns through my belly and heart and explodes the prison walls that have held me.   I dance my anger and rage.  I dance my love. I dance my power. I dance the colors of my darkness. I dance the colors my light.

I dance the sticky damp never-enough sucking blackness within me into it’s rightful place and role within my consciousness.

I collapse into the wordless spent place my courage takes me as I dance my healing.

No longer silent about the mysterious tragic pain of the centuries I have carried in my body.  No longer silent about the tragic pain of this lifetime.  No longer silent.

I dance the colors of my freedom.

I dance with beautiful, holy, precious darkness.  Alone for so long. Unheard for so long.  You are my beloved and I love you.

I dance-whisper word balm with gentle tenderness and deep respect for your terror “Come dance with me.  Take as long as you need.  Come just as you are.  Everything is welcome.  Everything…  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you. I love you.”

 

 

 

I awoke this morning with a profound sense of arriving at a place within my heart and life that feels full of hope and tremendous flow.  If you’ve read my other posts, you’ve followed some of my tumultuous journey to this point.

Here is my truth as I am experiencing it today:

I am filled with a knowingness that I am on my path and that my destiny is now arriving.  It is a a space of inner peace and freedom from all that I have limited myself with.  It is the healing of anything and everything beyond what I have even fathomed. It is a space of gratitude and humility and joy and service from a cup that is overflowing.

Every one of us have all the miracles we have longed for waiting for us.  Our lessons prepare us for the moment in our lives when we understand how our life choices have led us to where we are and what our true, individual path and destiny is.  It is a readiness to fully live because we have mastered the art of death…the art of surrendering.  It is a transformation of dread into peace, love, trust and bliss.  It is a place of surrendering into death while being held by goodness.

It is the moment when darkness is held differently within us: A moment when ‘night is as bright as day’.

Miracles are experienced first within our own hearts.  When my miracles come to my own heart and Beingness, I know outer circumstances are in the process of completing their alignment to my true path.  It is a time of deeper letting into the joy of the life I have co-created.

Our priorities as souls, whether we are consciously aware of it or not, is change from the inside out.  That is why outer circumstances don’t shift until our inner circumstances do.

As Willy Shakespeare says, ‘To thine own self be true”.  The path to our own personal bliss is through the valley of the shadow of death into the promise lands that hold everything our hearts have longed for in ways our minds haven’t been able to conceive.

In the spirit of laughter, mirth and amusement, I intend to belly laugh my way into my future as I butt slide down the slope of this mountain of joy.

Thanks for listening ❤

~me.

images-4Did you ever have one of those days when you just couldn’t stop crying?  When snot is running down your face and your eyes are so swollen and blood shot you look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy on crack?

Yesterday was one of those days for me.  It was such a gift.

I surrendered to the waves of honesty and nose-dripping sobs that had been building within me as I stared into the unwavering and kind gaze of my stuffed bear.  It felt so good to be feeling my heart again.  I moved from Virginia to North Carolina a month ago and changed everything in my life yet again.  Life is so good and yet, at the same time, so hard right now in all the perfect ways.  I needed to cry, to release, to process.  I needed to feel myself.  I needed to feel my heart.  I needed to remember.  Thank god-ness my stuffed bear is such a good listener and I had plenty of Klenex.

It was a gift to let myself cry and feel the honest soil within my heart and soul.  It was a gift to once again access the place within my heart where my own presence lives.  I missed myself.

Being out of felt connection with our whole-heartedness is hell in a body.  It is an experience I am quite familiar with.

I spent much of my life cut off from my heart.  Feeling my truth didn’t feel safe for me for what seemed like many really good reasons.  I didn’t know how to connect with myself.  I didn’t know how to let myself feel.  I didn’t know how to open my heart.  I didn’t know how to feel alive.   I didn’t know how to be present to and own my truth, feelings and power.

All of us know our truth at some deep level but we may not let ourselves consciously realize that we know.    I spent a significant part of my life determining not to feel the truth within.  I knew being present to my truth would set me on a path full of changes that I wasn’t sure I could handle.  I was afraid if I let myself feel the layers of truth aching to be expressed that I would fragment into a thousand pieces like Humpty Dumpty.  I was afraid I would not be put back together again.  I often pretended I was happy at great cost to myself and my relationships, but privately I was dying inside.

There comes a point, however, on the journey into wholeness that presents itself as a cross-road of the heart.  We find ourselves letting go into the very experience we have been running from.  We let go into the experience we thought we couldn’t handle.  We enter the great Unknown that has so frightened us and find we are somehow saved though the experience of facing and feeling into it…no matter what the outcome.  Within this death experience our hearts are reborn, feeling perhaps for the first time the wholeness that the courage of integrity of heart brings.

It seems to me that in our deepest hearts we all long for the self-respect that comes from surrendering into the experience that our own unique paths calls us into.  Integrity of heart has it’s own thirst-quenching consequence which, in the end, was the drink I could not, and cannot,  live without.

I have learned the saving grace of being honest with myself.  Honesty is my salvation, my messiah, and the fuel of my life because it connects me with the essence of who I am.   When I find myself unable to feel the depth of my own truth, I often feel tiny moments of panic as I wait impatiently for the life-giving release that I know is on the way but scares me when I can’t immediately feel it. During these times of stuckness,  I often seek out others who inspire me with their courage and honest lives.  You know who you are.  You are Those who belong to the Tribe of Snotty Faces and Swollen Eyes who have gone before me and live in the integrity of your hearts.  You are true to yourselves.  You are my teachers, my inspiration and my courage.  Keep living your lives so I can see you  I need you.

So now, knowing so well that the path to being with myself is paved through embracing and owning my vulnerability, it is a relief to be pushed by life and circumstances to the point of surrendering to the truth of my emotions.  It is a relief to let go, once again and over and over, into the experience of feeling the truth contained within my heart.  Somehow the preciousness of my vulnerability is the destination where I find the Aliveness that feeds my soul, my life and my path.

Crying is often the magic carpet I ride into the whole-hearted land of reunion with myself.  When I need to be rescued from my prison of hard-heartedness, letting go into feeling deeply often does the trick.

After spending years feeling cut off from my own heart behind fearful walls, now when my heart goes into hibernation and reaches to free itself through having a good cry, I am grateful.  Grateful to experience the feeling of my own self again.  Grateful that I can’t pretend to be strong any longer.  Grateful to see clearly and be seen.  Grateful to let others see how fragile I feel underneath all my Capricorn togetherness.

Crying reconnects me with feeling alive in all of my vulnerability and humanness and with the equality of the whole human race.  Crying dissolves the shells that knowingly and unknowingly accumulate around my heart.  Feeling my feelings and expressing them is my purposeful remembering of my hard earned lessons.  I am still a beginner.   Embracing, owning and sharing my feelings is a fairly new muscle I am exercising.  It is my way of intending to live a whole-hearted life.

Giving myself permission to feel deepens me as a human being and connects me with the joy of living in the present moment, even in painful, confusing times.  After honestly experiencing the truth of my emotions,  I feel a bit more humble, a bit more hopeful, a bit more alive, a bit more clear.  As the tide of my connection with myself and All That Is returns, I find myself flowing forward in my life in more peaceful ways.  No matter if the next steps forward are painful and hard or joyful and easy, going forward knowing my deepest truth enables me to travel with my most treasured and recently found companion..myself.

As always, always remember….Love Wins.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all have a deep, profound call on our lives.  Every one of us.

Until we are living our calling from the inside out, we often feel either miserable, depressed,  numbed out or some combination thereof.  Who can blame us?  We are all stunningly magnificent Beings.  When we can’t feel our own worth and magnificence, it’s just too painful for some of us.

We are meant to live fully expressed lives.  In moments of stillness, we glimpse this throbbing longing that pulses to get our attention.  Like the painful contractions of a woman in labor, we are drawn inward by the pain of giving birth to the lives we were born to express.

As Joseph Campbell says in his description of the The Hero’s Journey…

“You enter the forest
at the darkest point,
where there is no path.

Where there is a way or path,
it is someone else’s path.

You are not on your own path.

If you follow someone else’s way,
you are not going to realize
your potential.”

Sometimes it hurts too much to feel the truth of our unexpressed life…so we turn away from facing ourselves.  I get it. The cost just feels too high.

Ultimately, we become willing, little my little, to pay each cost.  For me, the journey of daring to trust my heart’s response to destiny’s call was a journey of massive healing proportions.  It was a terrifying journey into openness.  The destination was not a place, but rather was the experience of myself and a way of being in the world that had long eluded me and cut me off from the truth of my soul.

I write this as an offering to all those who are weary, as I too know what it is like to be weary.  I write to all to those who are without hope and wanting hope, as I too know the pain of being without hope.  I write to all those who want to know they are not alone on this heart path of surrendering to openness and trust, as I too have known the isolation that results from terror.

I have been journeying for several years now through a deep unknowing on my way to a new state of being.  My souls GPS has been broadcasting the instructions “The summit is ahead.  Keep climbing.  Keep letting go of all the patterns that no longer serve you”.  It has been a long, long journey up my mountain by way of descending through tunnels and valleys.  I have tip-toed forward often scared to my core but desperate to be whole.

I write this today from the summit of my most recent personal journey.  I realized I arrived at the summit for this particular growth phase of my life when my guidance changed from ‘Keep climbing’  to ‘Take in the view’.  I can see myself sitting on my mountain top…feeling my heart’s wholeness mixed in with the poignant awareness of a bittersweet grief mixed amongst deep peace.  In a way that I can’t quite find the words for, I know I will travel differently from this point forward.  Yes, my heart has been broken.  It has been broken open into the softness I have longed for all my life.  It is worth the journey.

My inner summiting of this phase of my personal journey has coincided with an outer actual physical move to a new state.   I have just moved from Virginia to my new mountain home in Asheville, NC.   I am writing this from the room I am rent.  My windows are open.  I hear the song of a lovely bird who is letting me know I am not alone although I feel quite alone in a sacred kind of way.  I hear the rushing water of the creek below my window soothing me with it’s joyful music and whispering the water-wisdom of ‘go with the flow’.  My room is on the crest of a little hill so I look out at the tops of the trees which are dancing with filtered light.  Fall is here.  The leaves in all their colors and states of death falling to blanket the earth for safe keeping through winter. It’s time to tuck in.  Cuddle up.  Get warm with apple cider and fireplaces and let all that has been accomplished gestate in the magic of the dark, rich soil that knows exactly what the seeds of rebirth need.

The undeniable call to ‘keep climbing’ has subsided.  It has been replaced by a deep sense of accomplishment at having arrived at the inner destination I have been journeying towards.  There is a foundation of deep peace amidst all the other colors of emotions that make up my changing inner landscape at any one moment.

Externally, and from the ‘worlds’ perspective, I have less financial security, less access to the friends and family that I love, less roots in the material world, and a whole lot less ‘stuff’.  I appear to be cut loose from all life and structure…yet oddly feel more anchored then I ever felt while in all those structures.

As I have followed this deep call within my own soul, over and over again I have been asked by my journey to let go in deeper and deeper ways.   Whatever Destiny has asked me to let go of, eventually and with no small amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I have released.  It has been a slow and often excruciating process.  I have done the things I thought I couldn’t do, over and over.  I have followed this beckoning inner call into the deepening levels of personal integrity and expansion that I was wanting to experience.  This life-giving whisper was guiding me into that which I was most longing for, yet couldn’t have put to words.

As I have traveled this path, some choices have felt as if my skin was being pulled off.  They have been so painful, so difficult.  Oh how raw and ripped open I have felt by following the call of my soul into some elusive healing that kept summoning me forward.  As I have pressed on, I have had my desperate grasping fingers pried open from a certain way of being.  I have often felt torn from the attachments to what I have most loved.

Letting go of control and learning to trust meant releasing myself and all those around me to find and walk our own paths of self responsibility.  Over and over and over,  I have been asked to release my fearful grasp on every level.   In choosing my path, I have had my death grip painfully pried open and have been asked to learn to live with an open, soft hand.  I have been asked to be ruthlessly present to my darkness and my light and to learn to turn towards the poignancy of each naked moment.

I have screwed up a lot as I have journeyed.  I have learned the agonizing beauty of facing the depth of my own imperfections reflected back to me in the mirrors of my life.  I have experienced the costly beauty of not letting my fear of judgement, rejection, or failure stop me from following my deepest destiny into the wholeness of my own soul.  How deeply is has hurt me to know those I love were hurting!  Yet I had to learn to cherish myself first.  It is from my fullness that I will love those in my life from this point onwards.

How brave of us all to risk learning to trust.  We are all ultimately honored and empowered by compassionate self-responsibility.  Respect is cultivated as we each own the leadership of our own lives and Being-ness.  Each of us deserves the freedom to be in our own processes, to learn our own lessons in our own way, in our own time, without interference from others.  The feeling of this soil of respect is painful in a sacred, healing way.  It is in this sacred space where the mirror holds the reflection of our inner worlds with the precision and effectiveness of a scalpel.

I have been broken open by my path into my deeper destiny, over and over again.  At times I have felt as if I have been smashed repeatedly against the rocks by a relentless surf as wave after wave of experience comes to shatter all the shells that have kept me out of connection with the joy and peace of my own deep Presence.  I have longed to live open, soft and free in compassionate connection with myself.  I have longed to open myself to the joy and connection of others, and to all of life.

I have journeyed through layer upon layer of feeling separated and unworthy.   I have not understood my destiny but have understood the drips of thirst-quenching water leading me on my journey.   Like being reunited with someone I have loved for all eternity, I have sensed and felt that I had to respond to this remembering if I was to truly live.  Often walking blindly through darkness and fog, I’ve ‘heard’ over and over again “Just this next step.  This is the Way. Walk in it”.  Moment by moment, choice by choice, step by baby step, I have inched and often crawled my way through the cold, dark storage spaces of my inner landscape to reclaim and welcome me home to myself.  I have learned to inhabit the beautiful living spaces within me.

Destiny asks all of us to trust It with the deepest, most fragile, nakedly vulnerable parts of ourselves on our road to wholeness.  All of us have an Inner Sacred Scaredy Cat that must be patiently, compassionately and persistently opened to joy.

Even when we feel most alone, most lost, most frozen, there is a Way forward.  Dare to trust your thirsty heart to the true and deep calling of your own Destiny.  Love wins.  Always.

 

 

 

 

 

images

 SELF COACHING TIP OF THE DAY:  Life Purpose

Fill in the blanks in this sentence:

I have come to be the Presence and the Power of ________ and _______ in the world.

That’s why your here <3.  In this moment, today.  Maybe tomorrow or in the next moment you will love to be something different!

(I use this often to ground myself in my Being goals…which frees me to align with right action (effortless action) and move forward peacefully.  I use it creatively to match my deepest rememberings each day.)

Here is my general one:  “I have come to be the Presence and the Power of Love, Joy, Peace, Freedom, Playfulness, Confidence and Acceptance in the world”.  Feels yummy when it resonates.

Today what is being born in me is “I have come to be the Presence and the Power of worthiness in the world.  I own my voice and my life.  I deserve to take care of myself…   Those are some hard earned truths for me!  I have I worked lifetimes to own them.    

Adventure on Trailmates!

images-18Several years ago I had my first ‘psychic’ reading and it changed my life.

After coming out of a fundamentalist christen mindset, I was seeking to connect more deeply with my own Intuition which I have been keenly aware of for as long as I can remember but haven’t always honored.  I’m sure those of you who know the christian culture can imagine the fear and trepidation I felt at going forward into the misunderstood path of following my own inner authority and guidance.  On my journey to connect more deeply with my own sense of felt truth, I was exploring what was outside of my old boxes.  I could feel my life start to align as I began my baby steps at trusting my own connection to my own soul.

Of course, as a child, my intuition just seemed perfectly normal.  Doesn’t everyone ‘see’ the energy around them through feeling it?  I abandoned the knowledge of my deep inner knowings for years as I handed over my inner authority to people and systems around me.  I became a prisoner of my own inauthenticity.

Abandoning myself and my own inner True North compass had it’s price.  I was entering the whitewater of the river of my life.  Eventually I came to crossroad in which I began to find the courage to choose to begin to follow my own instincts towards truth.  Like many of you, I found myself dying inside a little more and more each day.  I had a lifetime of struggling with depression and deep, profound unhappiness and the consequences were starting to physically manifest.  As physical illness often does, it got my attention.  This crossroad occurred several years before I was ready to have my first psychic reading.  The deepest part of me knew I was finally letting myself respond to my own Inner Guide.  I felt my own connection to my integrity align as I began to put one foot in front of the other.   I just kept taking baby steps of authentic empowering risk to the best of my ability.  In this new place, synchronicity appeared to encourage and guide me.  I was introduced to Christen McCormack, my first ‘psychic’…and she is, but with a twist of soul mixed in.

What is most deeply true about Christen is that she is so much more than just a ‘psychic’.  Christen delivers psychic information through the portal of the soul.  The result of such a conversation was my ability to more deeply tune into the guidance I was already aware of but wasn’t letting myself fully know.  It was a deeply validating experience.  I am well aware of the funky psychic practitioners that exist in the world.   I had no intention of giving my power away again to any authority outside myself…so I used my own intuitive sense to discern that Christen was living her souls mission with her gifts and not a manipulator of people’s fears as can sometimes be the case depending upon the amount of personal growth work a practitioner has done on themselves.

There were many nuggets of grounding truth about my own life I received that day.  One message in particular stands out.  The first thing out of Christen’s mouth after she connected with my soul was “Are you living on a big piece of property that you just can’t keep up with”?  “Your soul doesn’t want to be tied down and just won’t put up with it any more”.  She went on to validate many other ‘truths’ about  my emotional reality that I was struggling to find the courage to own.

In the months and years before this first reading, I had entered a season of radical spiritual transformation and everything in my life was shifting.  I had already left the Christianity box.  My marriage had long been over and it hung on me like a corpse.  I knew I had to end the marriage that had died long ago.  My now ex-husband and I lived on a big piece of land playing our respective marriage roles but without any nourishing connection between us.  These realities were sucking the life out of me.  They took the time and energy that my soul wanted me to spend on other things.  I was being called to begin living from level of personal freedom and empowerment in my pursuit of my own wholeness.  I was about to enter a season of core healing.  I was walking straight into experiencing the emotional realities that lived in the underworld of my shadowlands.  I was terrified and blinded by the pain yet felt the beginning pulse of my own authenticity nourish me.

I had reconnected with my own True North during this season, and I just kept following the feeling of relief that would be generated by each step forward.  It was like walking in complete darkness, feeling my way forward by inching my feet along the ground feeling with my toes and my hands out in front of me.

I listened to the recording of my reading with Christen over and over to ground myself with my souls intentions, which I could deeply feel resonating in my heart.  I heard things like what some of my soul purposes were, what stage of the transformation process I was in, which loved ones and animals from the other side where here to help me, how many angels were around me…and so much more.

These days I get most of my mentoring from my own soul and do work in the Akashic Records with a mentor.  I have gone on to explore and delight in the variety of ‘six sensory’ help that is available to us all…angel readings, tarot cards, astrological readings, connecting with guides and Ascended Masters, learning about cosmic energetics and energy work of all sorts.  I delight in fully owning my essential nature which is to be a confident joyful spiritual explorer and live my life from a place of self-integrity and personal freedom on my path to wholeness.

And, in my wholeness, to serve the world… and be stinkingly stupidly crazily happy while I do.

Thank you Christen for living your mission with integrity so I could find mine.  www.christenmccormack.com/

images-17Delicious Pain.

Like most addictions, Delicious Pain ‘hurts so good’ we have trouble leaving it.

Delicious Pain is our souls call into dissolving the attachments that block our authentic, empowered fulfillment.  It is often a fast track to healing our core wounds if we are willing.

That’s what we call it…this friend and I who share a similar earth school experience of learning through the dysfunction of  intimate partnerships.  We have found ourselves inhabiting Delicious Pain on our way to Delicious Wholeness.  We are on a journey.  We are in school.  I believe I just took my final exam.  I am waiting for my grade.   My friend is sitting at her desk staring her final exam which lies face down in front of her.   I know many of you have already graduated and are holding space for those of us in school.  Thank you.  If you are like me, you might spend a long, long time staring at your exam before you are ready to take it.

This Delicious Pain experience carries the wounds we are healing.  As souls, like many of you, my friend and I are healing our deep core wounds through the mirror of experiencing deep soul love and painful attachment with partners who are perfect triggers for our deepest unhealed wounds.  What brilliant souls we are to face ourselves with these unhealed places in order to eventually be an inner energetic match to what we have been evolving towards, perhaps for lifetimes…conscious, wholehearted, joyful, EASY partnerships that add to our happiness as we serve the world.   I must add how unattainable having this partnership has felt to both of us…until recently.

I imagine many of you can relate to this.  I know you can.  So many of you have shared your secret pain with me as I have shared mine with you.  It is from this place of honor to us all that I share the lessons of my journey with you.  We all have a secret pain or two in some area of life.  Where secret pain exists, so does radical grace.

This current evolutionary season is one that is reflecting back to us all that is left unhealed and hidden within us with renewed intensity.  Our lack of alignment with who were really are and what we really want is being throw in our faces like a pie being hurled at us at a carnival.  Like a pie in the face, this intensity is just not possible to ignore.  Whatever has been blocking us from manifesting our unique paths to fulfillment is literally ‘in our face’.  Our mirrors are purposefully exponentially intense right now for our own good.  This has been going on for a while now.

Experiencing more discomfort is or will eventually produce it’s desired effect of turning our faces towards Trust.   We may feel more miserable for a season until we shift to turning more deeply towards the essence of the Wordless Inner Home within us in the midst of this intensity.  For many of us in our place of trials, our instincts are stronger now to to turn towards and into the Restful Stillness of our own Being-ness…that space of Peace, Presence and Grace that exists between thoughts, between heartbeats, in nature, in silence, or resting in the arms, chest, or Presence of our safe places.  It is in this place of Presence that we find nourishment and our co-creative power finds it’s aligned expression.

Our souls design experiences to lead us to reach in deeper and deeper ways through unhealed parts of ourselves into this connected Presence within us.  We often have to get to that space by first experiencing more of what we hoped had already healed.  We notice old addictions surface with a new intensity and patterns of distraction clamor to save us from the unrest of our unconscious parts being made conscious.  It’s messy.  We want to numb ourselves in our familiar ways yet we long to do it differently.  This time something IS different.  Somehow we know this healing season feels different.  This time as we enter our secret places, our underworlds, we dare bravely to experiences what we have long felt imprisoned by.  This time we find access to a new space of connectedness that had previously eluded us on past journeys through these same distasteful spaces.

Don’t even tell me you don’t know what I am talking about.  The shit has hit the fan.  The pie has hit our faces.

We are learning to trust.  We are daring to open to the searing purification of the process.  We are finding our Way.  It’s Time.  It is different this time.

The pulse of Loving Resources is truly accessible to us now so It is taking no prisoners until it has it’s way with us.  The universe is making ‘tough’ love to us.  Our souls are DEADLY serious about setting up our experiences to face us with the choice of opening our hearts rather then closing, softening rather then hardening.  Some of us are literally or metaphorically dying in order to live.  Whatever experiences we need to have to facilitate our personal transformation are being handcrafted by our souls for us.  Our fulfillment is at stake.   Our souls are in the “Tough-Kick-Ass-Warrior-Love” mode to create the unquestionable opportunity for us to find our way this time.  We can come quietly, peaceably and easily into our bliss or… we can endure the intense suffering while All-We-Long-For waits with knowing confidence for us to collapse into It’s lap….eventually.

Here is the miraculous news in the midst of these wave of crapola.  Energetic resources of a gigantic proportions are available to us now.  Shifting is easier then it has ever been.  Hence, like a truly benevolent parent that knows what is on the other side of the ‘spanking’, we are being faced with our deepest remaining unconscious blocks because it is, in fact, TIME to heal completely.  It’s time to experience what many of us have been barely able to hope for because of our long standing ancient and current lifetime pattern blocks that we have worked and worked on.  In the past, we have often felt persistent disappointment for our efforts.  Our hearts have become so weary.  Try again? Really?

How many times have we faced into our healing winds only to find incomplete healing?  Such disappointment.  Such heartache.  Such despair.  Such pain.  Such hopelessness.  Such self-loathing.  Why try again?  How do we find the courage?  The hope?   Because Completion is possible now.  It’s TIME to complete our healing in ways that are easier then they have ever been.  Which is why the shit has hit the fan in new and deeper ways.  Access to our Wholeness is effortless now …once we risk reopening the old wounds and travel through the discomfort into the new and deeper levels of trust available to us.

Cowboy up comrades!  Hop on your healing horses!  It’s time to ride!   This time, though it will be messy and we may travel through our hidden realms of dense pain, we will end up in Nirvana…Heaven on earth… Heart Wholeness…that inner Landscape that depends on nothing changing other than us.  We will soften and lean into the healing wind, knowing we can handle what we never could before.  The lap of comfort, peace and stillness is more real then ever.  As soon as we lean in, we will feel it alongside the discomfort.

So, back to the healing of my core wounds as an example of what I am talking about.

If being in a previous intimate relationship with me had an application process, the boxes my suitors would check off would be as follows:

-Unavailable in a variety of forms…emotional and otherwise. Check.  Matched my own unavailability to myself.

-Deeply wounded. Check.  Matched my own deep wounding.

-Somewhat narcissistic.  Check.  Matched my co-dependence.

-Hostile or abusive in some way.  Check.  Matched my self-loathing and inability to cherish myself.

My crazy soul just wants to heal. Period.  So, she picked perfect healing partners.  Sound familiar?  Here’s my souls inner dialogue….”This intimate partner applicant is perfect for me to fall in love with! How fucking perfect!  Now I can access my deepest wounds through the mirror of this relationship and practically kill myself in the process.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  (If swearing offends you, I know a great coach who can help 🙂

My souls plan of course is to reveal the hidden places within me that are now ready to heal.  She wants to heal the part of me that still ‘needs’ to attach to abusive, unavailable energy in myself by seeing it in my relationships.  Once that is healed…she (my soul) says we are golden 🙂

I have lived in the essence of delicious pain so long it terrifying to be experiencing my own wholeness…crazy but true.  I am, however, getting used to it exceedingly quickly!  The terror of healing into wholeness is now more of an adventure that nourishes me then a triggering into the same pit of despair, anxiety, hopelessness and self-loathing that I have long occupied.   This new wholeness is finally being reflected in my choices.

Halle-frickin-lu-jah.  It’s about time!

Like all of us, I have come by my deep core wounds honestly.  I signed up for a soul contract that was loaded with dysfunction and misalignment.  As I have healed my tangled mess, I have gained an authentic place from which to speak to those who face the same healing challenges.  The unconscious patterns that I have lived with have been so tangled and so massive that I felt hopeless to heal them all.   The heartbreaks have been so massive for me, with my particular inner wiring, that I have been derailed by them over and over.

Like many of you, I have longed for healing all my life.  I have longed to be able to honor commitments to myself, longed to treat myself with loving-kindness, longed to not keep cutting myself off from the love that exists all around me.  I have longed to be a safe resting place for all those who have lost hope, longed to partner with myself in gentle-kindness, longed to be nourished enough in my own Being-ness to express my gifts generously to the world without feeling depleted.  I have longed to share happiness with a soul partner and trail mate on this life journey, longed to be a match to the deep, family connections I have always longed for but seemed like a fish-out-of-water in.

So friends, don’t give up.  I am feeling the shift and am seeing it all around me in those who long for wholeness.   If I can feel the wave of Love and Presence and peace in the midst of the tangled mess of my life and insanity, then you can too.  Life circumstances don’t have to change.  We are just a soft breath away from what is already all around us waiting to seep into our cells and hearts.

Join me in this journey through the mess into Delicious Unfathomable Peace.

We are so, so, so loved.

We are loved with a Warrior’s Love that won’t rest until the hardness of all we have been through is dissolved and we are stupidly happy with complete discombobulated bliss.

So unfurl your rusty tentative wings and let the winds of effortless healing carry you Home.

Take my hand.  Come fly with me.  It’s time.

images-15It was close to midnight.  I sat outside my cabin in Maine on the edge of the lake with a clear sky above me crying the kind of cry that cleanses and opens my heart…remembering a similar season over 30 years ago.  I didn’t understand the experience then. It was a Guiding, Loving Vibe that seemed to reach out it’s embracing, warm, loving heart to me to let me know I wasn’t alone.  It touched my heart right before a very, long dark journey that was to last many, many years.

As I sat beneath the expansive sky on this particular night, letting the grateful, sad, cleansing, opening tears flow, releasing and receiving, knowing and not knowing…I felt the familiar connection again with my Inner Creator and the Creative Intelligent, Generous Presence of the Universe that has always reached out to me.  Deep calling to to deep…my soul and the soul of Presence reaching out touching each other in the most intimate and nurturing of moments.

This season away in Maine for the summer has been, and still is, a womb transformation of for me.  Our brilliant souls know what we need to access the secret places inside ourselves that still ache and long to be healed.  It can be very uncomfortable as we are led into the opening of the emotional imprints and experiences that we took on in this life to heal.  I always know when it is happening because it is the moment that my projections return to me to be integrated through moments of self-revelation.  It is the moment I deeply emotionally know and own I have been living out of the same emotional pattern that so wounded me. It is the moment I emotionally know I have wounded others the same way I have been wounded.  It is the moment I emotionally know that the part of me I was cut off from is returning.

Moments of emotionally knowing my distasteful parts are moments from which hope springs that I can finally have a different experience.  Emotional knowing aligned with mental knowing is clarity.  Compassion is born within me in my moments of clarity for those who have wounded me, for myself for agreeing to the experience, and to those I who have been in relationship with me as I work this out.

It always strikes me ‘almost’ speechless (grin) when I notice a healing occurring in myself that I doubted would ever happen. My mind conceived it but my emotions didn’t.  In that ‘almost’ speechless place, I am broken open with a kind of gratitude and rest that exists right beside the agony and humility of self-revelation.

The details of our unique individual paths to healing are know only to our own Souls and the Soul of the Great Presence.  But we can trust that our souls are partnering with the Great and Generous Presence to heal our deepest wounds in order to delight us with gifts of healing, freedom and fulfillment.  It is from our own knowing of this Generous, Loving Touch and Presence that Heals that we in turn can be that to each other.  It is a grace, pure and simple.

As I sat under the midnight sky, feeling cocooned and embraced by Loving Support in my grieving, I released all that was ready to go.  As if to mark the moment and delight my heart, a shooting star punctuated the moment with her appearance.

Every time we feel the gentle throb of our hearts to follow our souls on some healing journey, let’s remember the words of the great philosopher Pooh bear….

images-13

Healing Journeys Brave Trailmates!

wqlv0A5vfgqNxF4Td_nP2qVduyJTIpT_OcWOx2TiGL98Efil533PtSAzbesTmISZv9vx9Q=s85You are exactly where you are suppose to be.  We all are.

Look down at your feet.  You already are standing on the Path to deeper peace and happiness.  If you haven’t realized that, then it is only your awareness that has kept you from experiencing relief.

Everything we experience IS our actual path to our healing.  Accepting this truth is the first conscious choice of Healing Perspective we can make to create the healing state of contentment for ourselves…which is the first shift we experience on our way to bliss.

Here is a summary of this healing perspective.  I was reminded of this by a listening to a channeled message about it from Magenta Pixie (link below).

From sadness, anger, depression, frustration…reach only for contentment first.

Embrace and accept all your experiences and emotions. Embraced, accepted emotions are path to integration and wholeness.

The ‘heavy’ emotions carry the energy charge leading us into contentment, happiness then bliss once they are truly embraced, accepted, seen and heard for the guides that they are.

Judgement or resistance to them creates more pain and separation and interferes with the process of whole-heartedness we are in.

Choose a healing Perspective with your mind of lower emotions, no matter how you feel. It creates the way for us to experience grounded states of transformation through integration.

More nuggets on healing later…one nugget at a time is best 🙂

Happy Trails Trailmates ❤

I can’t explain everything I ‘know’.

I don’t know how I know what I know.  That seems to be the nature of ‘knowing’.  It lies outside the rational mind.

I do love and appreciate my mind, but she tends to have tunnel vision.  She most often leads from fear.  Before I knew and understood the dance of the heart and mind, I spent most of my life leading with my mind.  My mind couldn’t handle the task of guiding me alone…she often got her panties in a tightwad.  She needed to hold hands with my heart for guidance.  Then I noticed my heart couldn’t handle the leadership task alone either…she needed to hold hands with the Great Heart that has Infinite and Perfect Knowledge of exactly what is best for everyone.  Actually, that is an understatement.  My heart needed to throw both arms around the leg of the Great Heart and hold on for dear life!  My mind is actually much happier and more relaxed knowing it takes it’s marching orders from my heart.

It’s really, really true.  Following my intuition leads me more and more deeply over time into my exquisitely healed life.  It’s like having 100% trust in the most benevolent, generous leader who has perfect understanding of what is highest and best for me and the world…WHILE planning the fulfillment of my deepest desires.

I am writing this post from my room in Maine where I am on a short adventure as a camp nurse for the summer.  My intuition led me unmistakably here. My intuition is brilliant in the ways she sometimes ‘tricks’ me onto the twists and turns of my path.  I have spent the last couple years in a season of deep contemplation…and now am finding myself mixing it up with some new adventure.

Sometimes our paths in life are wild, crazy ones.  Sometimes they are seasons of deep solitude, contemplation, and transformation.  Often they are very ordinary.  As I type the word ‘ordinary’, I am hearing the soulful call of a loon on the lake outside my window reminding me of the breathtaking beauty that ordinary and of the necessity of all the different seasons of life.

My mind has no idea what will happen next in my life…but my intuition does.  All the circumstances in my life seem to be changing all at once.  My mind, knowing the drill, is clinging with both arms around my heart and intuition.  My heart and intuition together ‘know’ that I will be taken care…no matter what the outer circumstances look like.  It’s like how a child feels when she is resting in the lap of a parent she trusts.  She doesn’t have to know the details because she knows and trusts that her parent knows.

I have been in this place of the ‘knowing’ in the Unknowing so often now it feels like a familiar, fun, safe, and sometimes lonely roller coaster.  I have had many, many times of being on this roller coaster when I felt scared and out of control.. It is a comfort to me now to find rest in the benevolent Heart that has as it’s deepest agenda to bring healing, love and fulfillment to the whole world…including me…through whatever path that is.

We all know who we are and what we want, we just don’t always know that we know.  Life’s journey is about the joy of discovering our ‘knowings’ and feeling our heart’s break open into experiences of wholeheartedness that exceed anything we could have dreamed of.

Take my hand..and the hand of the Great Heart.  Comfort your minds with the safety and love that come from aligning your minds as your heart leads the dance.  We will journey together… through seasons of ordinary life, wild rides, deep darkness and exquisite bliss.  It’s all meant to gift us in ways we deeply long for that exceed our wildest dreams!  That’s just how the Great Heart rolls!

Happy dancing. ❤

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